I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
