You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
