Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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