We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize