yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
