Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
