Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
