you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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