guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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