Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
