First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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