if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
