The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
