So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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