the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
