dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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