Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
