The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
