The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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