I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize