Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My vagina is very pro this idea
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