If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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