I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's shark week go big or go home
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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