I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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