So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
