I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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