for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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