I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Randomize
