I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
