apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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