if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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