you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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