I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Randomize
