Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize