Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
