if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
