i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
