tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
