Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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