So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
