Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
