so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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