my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
