My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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