so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
