1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
