why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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