The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
