And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
