Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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