Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
