i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
