does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
