the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I fill condoms, not promises.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
