does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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