Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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