I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
