please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize