Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
