I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
