Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
