I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
