I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
