"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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